I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
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if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance