I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
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-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.