@lakeanagirl: I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
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@JohnLyonTweets: "Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?" I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
@AmericanGent69: *slow jams playing in the background Her: take off my pants Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
@Six_Pack_Mom: Me, to kids: "Yes, I'll play, as soon as I finish my coffee." (Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
@XplodingUnicorn: I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.