I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
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At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
watergate? u mean a dam??
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
*sewing*
A thread
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .