Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
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this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
#parenting
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.