When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
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Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged