@Breadery: I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn't scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
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@ShortSleeveSuit: [death row sitcom] Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw! Warden [flicks switch]: That's about to change Sign: *APPLAUSE*
@bridger_w: I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
@jwoodham: Forrest Gump ran for 3 years, 2 months, and 14 days, which is approximately 3 years, 2 months, and 14 days longer than I've ever run.
@juneohara65: "Go ahead, caller. . ." "Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I'd like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?"