I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
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Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
me before I type out affect or effect
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.