@ShortSleeveSuit: [death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That's about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
@bridger_w: I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
@jwoodham: Forrest Gump ran for 3 years, 2 months, and 14 days, which is approximately 3 years, 2 months, and 14 days longer than I've ever run.
@juneohara65: "Go ahead, caller. . ."
"Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I'd like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?"
@kelkulus: If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you're using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
COMMENTS