I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
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Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet