I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
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My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.