I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
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Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.