I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
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Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe