I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
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Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
live long and prosper!
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Yup
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band