I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
You Might Also Like
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Mmmm canned fish.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad