@FatherWithTwins: I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
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@MrsJekyllsHyde: Coworker: I don't even know what's wrong with me. *sighs Me: Oo Oooo pick me pick me I know *raises hand with answer
@murrman5: [interview after finishing last in the olympics] do you regret saying "I could win this race wearing flip flops" [pulls mic close] yes