@FatherWithTwins: I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
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@aPunch2theJunk: HAVE SOME FUN WITH YOUR LIFE: Whisper "You should have killed me when you had the chance" to the person in the bathroom stall next to you.
@KalvinMacleod: CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity? ME: no thank you SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
@ArfMeasures: ME: *stuffs sock down my pants to impress my date* DATE: I'm not that impressed ME: I should have done it before you got here