@FatherWithTwins: I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Fred_Delicious: if you're ever worried there's an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there's no one there
@philmann: PILOT: if you look out the window you'll see we're cruising at 35,000 feet [i look out the window] [THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
@shellyspivey: "I wanna know who is responsible for this!" nn-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
@birbigs: "You're joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?" -Jesus #GoodFriday