I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
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Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.