I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
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Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real