I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
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Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school