I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
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Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Great Canadian literature.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little