I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
You Might Also Like
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?