I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
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mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.