I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
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I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
How times have changed.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
(Jupiter –
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.