Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
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This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.