Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
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Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.