@hazelmotes1: I like to wear fur coats, but fur is murder, so I just tied 15 live badgers together and this coat is really scratchy and bitey.
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@SarcasticAlly12: "I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this." -me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I'll try shouting
@Marlebean: He held up my pants and said "Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??" Judge: Not guilty. You're free to go.
@matt___nelson: [interrogation] Where were you last night? "Out killing people" Louder for the tape [leans in] "The Cheesecake Factory, that's where I was"
@thistletat13: There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.