How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
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After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Namaste
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.