“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
You Might Also Like
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Life is a suicide mission.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
just got my engagement photos
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee