ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
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I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.