I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
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I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad