@ohJuliatweets: I like Triscuits because sometimes you just want to eat a wicker basket.
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@BCMontgo: Me: I'll definitely do it tomorrow. Morgan Freeman: He wouldn't. Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
@theshamingofjay: Divorce is like hitting the reset button on Super Mario Bros except now you pay for the Princess's castle and hope Bowser kills you.
@david8hughes: [sees old friend after 4 years] "God, you were so fat back in school." "Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year." "No you didn't."