Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
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What personal space?
My dog
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.