I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
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Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
181.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.