i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
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Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.