@shutupmikeginn: I like watching documentaries about murderers because i know i'm doing better than every person in the movie.
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@WhiskeySoured: Never judge a book by its cover. Besides, you're on Twitter and don't even read books.
@aveuaskew: When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting "I'm pregnant" to random numbers.
@Tw1tter_K1tten: One thing I've learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you. -babies
@UncleBob56: Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line? Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma G-ma: Can he use my walker? He's been drinking.