@shutupmikeginn: I like watching documentaries about murderers because i know i'm doing better than every person in the movie.
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@sandjoeman: I'd like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
@warhorse76: Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I'm gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me.
@thepatrickwalsh: When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell "Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!"
@zachreinert03: Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD