@shutupmikeginn: I like watching documentaries about murderers because i know i'm doing better than every person in the movie.
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@upsidedowntrash: The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
@jimmyfallon: My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
@burntmybagel: My chiropractor told me I have to stop using air quotes when I call him "doctor."
@stephenjmolloy: Cop: "Are you driving under the influence?" Me: "No." Cop: "Say the alphabet backwards." Me: "Tebahpla eht."