The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
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It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Tastes like chicken.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
それは草
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?