I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
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College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
plums roundup
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.