[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
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wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*