I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
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I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!