I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
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Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally