I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
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ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.