I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
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[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you