I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
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My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Shoo shoo! 😂
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.