Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
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Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.