So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
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*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.