“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
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[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
plums roundup
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.