“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
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a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.