I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
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Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Children of the corn 🌽
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?