*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
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The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
“what’s it like having a sister?”
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup