@ryan9billion: I liked watching squirrel soap operas unfold in my backyard right up until the damn neighbor cat murdered all the actors.
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@benerdist: A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
@GoddessTitty: [Home invasion] Me: isn't there anything ELSE you want to take? Burglar: lady I told you I'm married
@BriarSlyMadness: If you're ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans... ...don't worry about it. They're too weak to hurt you.