@ryan9billion: I liked watching squirrel soap operas unfold in my backyard right up until the damn neighbor cat murdered all the actors.
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@salmarch79: A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who's stressing you out.
@onelongbender: Dave is coming over. "Dave Wilson or Dave who thinks he's Spider-Man?" [loud thud on the roof] BACK DOOR IS OPEN, DAVE
@KattWillliams: Did you know that the new iPhone 5 helps people lose weight? When you pay for it you can't afford to eat for a month.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: All the people upset over same sex marriage didn't seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.