7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
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My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
never compromise your values
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES