i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
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“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.