i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
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This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.