I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
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Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.