I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
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gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.