First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
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Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …