I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
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*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
i will not be silenced
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.